M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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