Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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