I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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