he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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