took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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