I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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