He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
