Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
