i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You have to summon your inner elephant
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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