I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You ate ashes out of my bong
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
