theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
