thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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