The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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