I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
