True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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