I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
