So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
