Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
