dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
