We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
