Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
