My boss' voice literally gives me gas
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize