If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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