I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
