Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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