god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
