Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
