I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
