I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize