im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
