Your dad touched me again.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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