I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
