life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
