I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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