my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
