I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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