last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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