Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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