I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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