I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
