I heard we made out
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize