So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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