Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
