I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
