she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
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