seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
