I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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