If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
