the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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