you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
