im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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