Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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