why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
